What I Know

Everyone knows how much love and joy kids bring into your lives. There's nothing more amazing than watching them clench and unclench their little fists, wrapping their hand around your finger, or walking, dancing, and singing for the first time. Oh, and that belly laugh - it's like pure, unadulterated happiness. But are there things we don't know about - and should - prior to having kids? Mine are still in the toddler stage, but here's what I've learned thus far:

1. There will be copious amounts of diapers in your life. And just when you think you can't change another diaper, there will be potty training. Potty training will have you yearning for the days of diapers again.





2. You will be peed on, pooped on, spit up on, and thrown up on countless times. At some point you will simply throw your fluid-laden clothes in the trash because it's just too gross to wash.





3. You will never eat a bowl of cereal alone. Little ones will stand at your side clamoring for your food like baby birds.





4. You will make endless amounts of pasta (aka noodles with butter and Parmesan cheese). They will eat inexplicable amounts of pasta. Pasta will be your primary food group.





5. Your clothes, house, and life in general will be covered in sticky things.





6. You will continuously and pointlessly pick food up off the floor.





7. Your house will never be the same.





8. Your body will never be the same.





9. Your memory will never be the same.





10. You will experience some of the best things about childhood all over again: playdough, blowing bubbles, and fish crackers.





11. You will find things in strange places. Last week I found the following: toys in our shoes, dandelions in the washing machine, an orange magic marker in a box of wipes, and two Thomas the Trains and a dictionary in the vegetable bin of the refrigerator.





12. The innocuous sounds of children's songs will be stuck in your head for days.





13. You will be tired. So very tired. You may not have a decent night's sleep for three years, 3 months, and four days - but who's counting?





14. You will patiently answer the question 'why?" and "but why?" no less than forty-two times in a row. You will provide, thoughtful, kid-friendly, scientific explanations for these probing questions. Other times you will simply cut to the chase and say 'because", "just because", and "I don't know".





15. The floor of your car will be covered in cheerios. You will no longer care.





16. You will laugh out loud a thousand times a day, making the above points 1-15 entirely moot. Your tired, worn out body and pathetically addled brain will experience gratification like you've never felt, even if you do have to do laundry 4.7 times a week from now until eternity.